I found it necessary to write a post on suicide and how to speak to someone dealing with suicide loss. As I have previously mentioned in my blog, I recently lost my father to suicide and it has been a roller coaster ride the last 2 months.
I have been shocked by the people that don't know how to speak to someone who has lost a loved one to suicide so I felt the need to write a post on how to speak to someone dealing with loss to suicide.
1. Don't call a victim of suicide selfish-
If you have ever lost a loved one to suicide, you would know that sometimes it is hard to feel compassionate toward people that have 'smaller issues' that to you, don't seem like something to worry about. I have been labelled as 'selfish' because I talk about my father's death and sometimes fail to show compassion to others. I am usually a compassionate person and if I act like I don't care, deep down I probably do, but unless you have lost a family member to suicide, you really don't know how painful it is.
2. Don't tell the victim that their loved one is selfish or week or a coward because they decided to take their own life-
Before my Dad died, I always said that suicide was selfish. Even now I look at his picture and ask him why did he do this to us. Having said that, I understand. Of course, I wish he was still here. But I know the things my Dad suffered before he died. I understand that he really did think there was no other choice than to take his own life. We are a christian family and I really believe that my Dad wanted to die and go to be with his heavenly father. When I travelled home for the funeral, my Mum explained it in the way that it's like if a child was living away from their parents and said "Dad, I want to come home". Of course the parent would welcome their child home with open arms. I really believe that this is what happened with my Dad and God had his arms open and said "Come home".
3. When a person loses someone to suicide, particulary if it's a significant person like a parent, the victim is likely to cling on to other significant people in their life. Please, don't label this person as 'annoying'. To other people, a clingy person may very well seem annoying but it's likely that the person is afraid of losing more important people in his or her life. On the opposite side, a person grieving is also likely to push people away. Again, please don't label this person as selfish. Everyone has a different way of grieving and please don't judge how a person grieves.
4. Do not expect a person to 'keep busy'
Ok, so some people deal with grief by keeping busy but this isn't the case for everyone. While keeping busy may provide temporary distraction, it's not going to change anything. I really think its important for the person to take time to themselves and allow themselves to miss their loved one and even allow themselves to cry.
I really hope this spiel made sense. I had so much in my head and just wanted to get it out. So I apologise if some of it didn't make sense. But it needed to be said.
Sometimes I will want to do stuff, sometimes I won't. Sometimes I will want to talk, sometimes I will want to be left alone. Sometimes I will be strong, others I will cry like a 22-year-old baby. Please accept this as my way of grieving the loss of the first man I ever loved, the first man to wipe my tears, the first man to protect me, my number 1 spiritual mentor, my most favourite person in the world.
I have been shocked by the people that don't know how to speak to someone who has lost a loved one to suicide so I felt the need to write a post on how to speak to someone dealing with loss to suicide.
1. Don't call a victim of suicide selfish-
If you have ever lost a loved one to suicide, you would know that sometimes it is hard to feel compassionate toward people that have 'smaller issues' that to you, don't seem like something to worry about. I have been labelled as 'selfish' because I talk about my father's death and sometimes fail to show compassion to others. I am usually a compassionate person and if I act like I don't care, deep down I probably do, but unless you have lost a family member to suicide, you really don't know how painful it is.
2. Don't tell the victim that their loved one is selfish or week or a coward because they decided to take their own life-
Before my Dad died, I always said that suicide was selfish. Even now I look at his picture and ask him why did he do this to us. Having said that, I understand. Of course, I wish he was still here. But I know the things my Dad suffered before he died. I understand that he really did think there was no other choice than to take his own life. We are a christian family and I really believe that my Dad wanted to die and go to be with his heavenly father. When I travelled home for the funeral, my Mum explained it in the way that it's like if a child was living away from their parents and said "Dad, I want to come home". Of course the parent would welcome their child home with open arms. I really believe that this is what happened with my Dad and God had his arms open and said "Come home".
3. When a person loses someone to suicide, particulary if it's a significant person like a parent, the victim is likely to cling on to other significant people in their life. Please, don't label this person as 'annoying'. To other people, a clingy person may very well seem annoying but it's likely that the person is afraid of losing more important people in his or her life. On the opposite side, a person grieving is also likely to push people away. Again, please don't label this person as selfish. Everyone has a different way of grieving and please don't judge how a person grieves.
4. Do not expect a person to 'keep busy'
Ok, so some people deal with grief by keeping busy but this isn't the case for everyone. While keeping busy may provide temporary distraction, it's not going to change anything. I really think its important for the person to take time to themselves and allow themselves to miss their loved one and even allow themselves to cry.
I really hope this spiel made sense. I had so much in my head and just wanted to get it out. So I apologise if some of it didn't make sense. But it needed to be said.
Sometimes I will want to do stuff, sometimes I won't. Sometimes I will want to talk, sometimes I will want to be left alone. Sometimes I will be strong, others I will cry like a 22-year-old baby. Please accept this as my way of grieving the loss of the first man I ever loved, the first man to wipe my tears, the first man to protect me, my number 1 spiritual mentor, my most favourite person in the world.
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